Use Bombs

Lots of people didn’t like Tom Goes to the Mayor, but to me it was an amazing show. There was just a charm about it. The writers could capture the mediocrity around us in a very true sense, and distort it to highlight the absurdity in such a way that it always left me in tears.

I happened to see an advertisement online that immediately made me recall a sequence from Tom Goes to the Mayor. I think this is a shining example of what I’m trying to explain.

First, the TGttM segment:

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Second, what I saw just moments ago:

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As a side note, I love that the 3D animated cobra makes some kind of “Caw!” sound.

Update:
…Well both the videos got taken down. Um… I don’t know… I guess my hair is no longer a bird.

Seriously!?

Andy Dick is the Joker… Discuss.

Delicious…

As you can see–19 years later–somebody apparently thought Caddyshack II was a good idea. That very same person yelled from the top of the mountains, “wait! I also enjoyed the movie Soul Plane! I have a fantastic idea!”

Thus, Who’s Your Caddy was surely born.

“Arion, you can’t cube a mamajam of excitement”, some will say. Well, It’s been a very busy few weeks and out scientists have some fantastic results. Browse the items below, as they are requiring of your immediate attention.

Firstly, a few headshots have been uploaded to Flickr. I hope to stash some more in this gallery down the line. Theres nothing big about these and the only reason we even took these photos was because somebody really, really, really (really) wanted them. Now their yours to hold and treasure forever.

Secondly, new commercial! Affix your eyes to the imagery below.

[Ed. -- You can find this video in our new video section!]

Tertiary-ly, a bonus. Some deceiving recipes for this Christmas season. I hope that you love delicious food, and I don’t hope that you love delicious food… the sexual way. Seriously, that would be gross.

I’ve spent a lot of time by myself this past month. During this time I have worked to achieve my masterwork. My narrative follows.

“Screech,” Mr. Dewey repeated for the second time. The supple young boy turned away from his robot, Kevin, where he had been tirelessly tinkering. “Sorry, Mr. Dewey. I just had to make a few adjustments,” the boy replied. “Yes, I’m sure, but show and tell doesn’t last all day,” the teacher replied as Screech made his way to the front of the classroom.

Once in the front of the room Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers laid a nervous stare upon the class. This young Jewish boy had always been awkward in social situations, but fought through his tremors for the time being. “Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to show and explain to you my latest upgrades to Kevin. After many hours of work, Kevin now has the ability to send people through time, pick up girls, and make toast, and not necessarily in that order.” With a gulp, the young man brought his short speech to a stop for even he needed a moment to let the magnitude of the news sink in.

Zack, sloping back into the shape of his chair, spoke up in the moment’s silence. Talking out of turn was not uncommon for Zack, who was gifted with the skill of speechcraft, however, even he was surprised at the high-ceilinged statements. “Do you mean to tell us that your robot can send us to any time in history – ever?” Screech continued, “Yes, Zack. Allow me to demonstrate.”

To no avail, the nerd’s continuing eluded Zack. By the time Screech had even thought of forming his next sentence, Zack was already in a world draped with pink mist, daydreaming.

Ugh-

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Okay, honestly, I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks. This task is at best, really fucking hard. My brain pulses and bleeds with every attempt I make to append a new paragraph. In all honesty, I have been confronted by the cold truth that Saved by the Bell fan fiction is my own personal 7th layer of Hell. Let you and I not tell each other lies, this pain and suffering also applies to the mere mention of the series.

In one sense, it’s a shame. No one shall ever know of how the girls were to be whisked away to Ancient Rome, how Zack and the guys get caught by the Roman guards in an attempt to save them, and how a masked gladiator would be their saving grace at the coliseum. No one will ever be allowed to learn the before mentioned gladiator is in fact Mr. Belding. Nor will I tell of how the kids travel with Kevin into the future for the Saved by the Bell / Star Trek Cross over (featuring both Kirk and Picard.)

There is no feasible way for me to continue with this charade. My undying hatred for all the reruns I have been subjected to make composing this fairy-tale impossible. I will not be finishing this story, not unless the almighty Himself commands me to do so. Until I read “Thou shall provide the LORD thy GOD with a humorous chronicle of Saved by the Bell foolishness” on a stone tablet, I am out for the count – TKO.

You see, every morning when I wake up, my little brothers are absorbed by this show’s magic vial of monkey business. Soon after, I arrive at work, where I find our own janitorial staff watching the lounge television during their break. Their eyes are ensnared by the very same wickedness. Allow me to emphasis again: this occurrence is daily. At night, [Adult Swim] on Cartoon Network – CARTOON Network mind you- has recently plastered its showcase with sickening variations of this same terrifying world.

I can no longer take the wacky adventures of Zack, Slater, Screech, Lisa, Jesse, Kelly, Max, Ox, Ms. Simpson, Mr. Belding, or, of course, Tori. May I no longer endure these glorified jokers, bloated with the humor of no less than three-thousand fallen angels? Seraphs that scream hideously as their radiance burns away into embers and ash, they descend into the ceaseless and everlasting dark. It is in this perverse underground that they will reside as banshees, tormenting me with each episode of this accursed show.

No more can I watch this machine, this vile black torment, this war waged upon us with bladed teeth. Please divulge the secret to ending this bone grinding device that gathers itself up from upon the bottom of black ocean, under a crimson-orange sky. Like a morbid hoax, our senses are to be devastated by this beastly atrocity as it drags behind it the entrails of the late 80′s. Show me where the illumination lights a path to a world once again without ‘Saved by the Bell.’

My brother Arison and I hold opposing views on many topics — for example, he loves to rock. I, on the other hand, greatly prefer to roll.

For many months, my abilities to roll have been at a standstill. My fragile arms and delicate physique have kept my rolling urges as nothing more than an elaborate dream. Lucky for me, video games have come to the rescue once more.

You may be able to imagine the look of confusion and doubt in Bova’s face when I showed him Katamari Damacy. “It’s a game about rolling stuff into a giant ball—I’m going to buy it.” To say the least, the explanation was not credible.

I should have told Bova that the game was about the King of the Cosmos and his son, the prince. I should have tried to explain how nonsensical it is and let him know that an Esperanto reference is included.

Of course the gameplay is very solid as well — it involves rolling a katamari around grabbing small objects, such as buttons and candy. As the size increases, a person can affix their katamari to people, cars, and elephants. Tight spaces and barking dogs attempt to stop you from getting to a specific size within a set time limit.

It took sitting on the couch, listening to the musical score and watching the rolling madness to understand how fun and crazy this game really is. The soundtrack alone is wonderful and complements the joy of the game in the most eccentric of ways. There was no point in the game where the music or sounds did not appeal to any person I know.

The visuals are colorful and appealing, not to mention fun. The blocky style is unique and visually stimulating. This is the type of game where the style lever is cranked so far into overdrive that adding things like bump-mapping and fancy lighting effects would only seem to hurt it.

I literally couldn’t put the game down and as a result had it finished the next day. I won’t kid you, it’s short. However, if you like to collect things, find secrets, and set records this gives the game a bit more sticking power.

This is sheer joy and I can’t wait for the sequel, scheduled to debut October 3rd.

I am shocked by the fact that no one else has yet commented on the fact that we all went to see Star Wars… on opening night. Things go so fast in that movie, I didn’t even notice all the loud fan boys in their Darth Vader costumes.

After everything sunk in, which took over a week, I ended up liking the movie a lot. Some may say, this much. Mind you, their great!

If you have been lucky enough to see the movie, I suggest you stop by VG Cats and take a gander at this week’s comic. You will be wrought with laughter.

The most holy of the metaphysical can not be found within the mind, or the body, but here instead.

I am enlightened.

Last night, while caught up in the Real TV fiasco, I saw a story about a man who was shooting his neighbors dog with pellets.

“We can never forgive him for what he’s done” —Stupid Owners

I see now why Jesus preaches forgiveness. If someone can forgive a person for an event entailing the death of a family member, these people need to go to Hell for not forgiving the fact that their dog was shot with pellets. I mean, come on — the dog didn’t even die!

Also, I found toothpaste smeared my bathroom floor yesterday. Today, mouthwash was found on the floor of the same local. I do believe someone has not yet discovered that better cleaning products do exist for this genre of material.

Gum is not a low calorie food.